I was sad today. It seems like a simple statement to write but is profound in the description of what I experienced.

You see, I have had PTSD for close to fifty years. You learn to cope. One of the tricks is to shut down your emotions, more like ignore them. Since I retired a couple years ago, I’ve started healing. Last summer, I was stunned when I realized that I was happy. For no reason I was smiling and just happy. The really stunning part was it took a while for me to realize what I was feeling. Is it true that people feel like this all the time? Are there other visceral emotions? How will I know?

I found out today. I realized that I was sad. I started crying and it washed over me in shaking waves and I started to push it back where it belongs, deep down. Instead, I stopped and let it come. I let myself feel sad. It wasn’t a cathartic purge of all bad feelings or jagged out of control, snot bubble weeping. It was pure and soft, the things I couldn’t afford to be in the Army or Police Department. It’s too vulnerable.

I guess this is following a pattern I set up, like a 12 step program for PTSD. When it happens, tell others. It’s okay to feel, good and bad feelings. Stop being afraid of being hurt by what is inside. We were so brave for so long, carrying burdens, risks, loss and fear. Always fear. For me it was losing my people, not being able to protect someone. More terrifying were the emotions I kept as far down as possible. I never thought I was brave or a hero.

Today, I was brave.