I was in a store with my older brother, he’s schizophrenic and gets easily confused. I watched him trying to order a sandwich at the kiosk and getting frustrated. Before I could reach him, a young man walked up and helped him. A simple act of kindness to a stranger. My brother was happy to get his sandwich. I was almost in tears.

I’ve spent a couple of years trying to understand why simple acts of kindness affect me so strongly. I’ve thought that they take me by surprise because they are so uncommon. However, that can’t be the case. I’ve seen too many for me to believe it. I’ve committed enough random acts of kindness to know that they happen, small simple things for no reason than it feels good to be nice. The internet gives access to enough clips of strangers just helping someone in need that I recognize a trend. Call it pay it forward or random acts of kindness; call it click bait. It’s still out there.

The only real answer I have is that when it happens to me, I feel unworthy. Unworthy of simple kindness. How sad is that? I spent so long time hating myself that I don’t think I deserve consideration.

Healing is a long process and some things are harder than others, like, believing that you are worthy of love and kindness. That’s been harder than I thought it would be; he vulnerability of opening up to acceptance by others. The strength gained by closing off emotions becomes painful weakness when touched by others. Sometimes I think that it’s not worth it, but I’m still trying. If you see me and I don’t act the way you think I should, please try to be understanding. I am a work in progress and your kindness hurts me.