I did a brave thing today.

I was sad today. It seems like a simple statement to write but is profound in the description of what I experienced.

You see, I have had PTSD for close to fifty years. You learn to cope. One of the tricks is to shut down your emotions, more like ignore them. Since I retired a couple years ago, I’ve started healing. Last summer, I was stunned when I realized that I was happy. For no reason I was smiling and just happy. The really stunning part was it took a while for me to realize what I was feeling. Is it true that people feel like this all the time? Are there other visceral emotions? How will I know?

I found out today. I realized that I was sad. I started crying and it washed over me in shaking waves and I started to push it back where it belongs, deep down. Instead, I stopped and let it come. I let myself feel sad. It wasn’t a cathartic purge of all bad feelings or jagged out of control, snot bubble weeping. It was pure and soft, the things I couldn’t afford to be in the Army or Police Department. It’s too vulnerable.

I guess this is following a pattern I set up, like a 12 step program for PTSD. When it happens, tell others. It’s okay to feel, good and bad feelings. Stop being afraid of being hurt by what is inside. We were so brave for so long, carrying burdens, risks, loss and fear. Always fear. For me it was losing my people, not being able to protect someone. More terrifying were the emotions I kept as far down as possible. I never thought I was brave or a hero.

Today, I was brave.

Even leaders have leaders.

With almost forty years of military and para-military leadership (read Police) under my belt, I can say even leaders have leaders. In the moment, you may be the final authority and make decisions, but there is always someone you will answer to.

I hear someone saying Elon Musk doesn’t have a boss, but he’s still responsible to shareholders, laws and regulations. Somewhere in the back of his head is a voice that shaped him as he was growing up, still leading him. I have the same thing, it sounds remarkably like my grandfather. I also have a debit to my mentors, to pass on what I’ve learned.

In the main though, I’m a leader by default, inclination or disposition. I have little reservation about stepping up.

Daily writing prompt
Are you a leader or a follower?

I call it “low-brow” snob.

Harley-Davidson – This goes back to my first bike that leaked, the chain and rear tire would slip going over track and it was uncomfortable to ride. They fixed the technology, and I found a bike that fits me. I like sport bikes and Kawasaki makes a decent lite cruiser, but Harley just fits.

BMW – I know. It’s not made in Germany anymore. I prefer the way they handle to other sport cars. I don’t care about cars that much, but I appreciate performance. I’ll drive a truck until it dies, but this is the only car I’ve ever kept after paying it off.

Macallan – If you’re a whiskey drinker and haven’t tried a good scotch, this is the one. Don’t bother with the 12-year-old. It’s going to be rough. The 18 is good straight, with a water back. I don’t like ice or to water down the flavor. Any of the special casks are excellent. Just don’t blame me if you spend a car payment on a bottle.

Glock and Ruger – Nothing fancy or flashy. They work when I want them to, point and shoot.

Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite brands and why?

Morality (4) Evil.

Seems like an easy one. Evil is evil, right? Wait, was that circular? Damn.

If we define it as a noun, instead of an adjective or adverb, it will make it easier. Is it suffering, misfortune or intentional wrongdoing? Does it count if your feelings are hurt because you interpreted what I was doing as mean? Suffering is definitively subjective and personal. I have a harder time suffering fools than broken bones. Misfortune is part of most lives, so also not important to the discussion. Your feelings are on you, not me. Baring a cosmic entity of evil, “the Devil”, we are left with intentional wrongdoing to cause harm.

Dictionaries have changed the definition over the years, but the base stays the same. Strangely, it also gets more complex over the years. our web of concern expands.

evil (noun) moral depravity; injury; affliction. (Webster Peerless Office, Home and School. 1939)

evil (noun) · evils (plural noun) (Bing online Dictionary, reference to Oxford Languages, 2024)

(1) profound immorality and wickedness, especially when regarded as a supernatural force.

Similar: wickedness, a badness, wrongdoing, sinful, ungodliness, immorality, vice, inequity, turpitude, degeneracy, vileness, baseness, perversion, corruption, depravity, villainy, nefariousness, atrocity, malevolence, devilishness, peccability. Opposite: goodness

(2) a manifestation of profound immorality and wickedness, especially in people’s actions.

Similar: abomination, atrocity, obscenity, outrage Opposite: blessing

(3) something which is harmful or undesirable.

Similar: harm, pain, hurt, misery, sorrow, suffering Opposite: benefits

I think we need to emphasize the intentional part of this. An act done with the intent of providing good service or positive outcomes, that doesn’t meet expectations is not necessarily evil. An evil act is like a premeditated crime, it is carried out with forethought and intent. There isn’t much doubt that the act is wrong and evil as a label just indicates a level of wrongdoing beyond normal expectations, heinous in nature. I like the word heinous, here. It fits well and sets edges to the discussion.

Not everything is going to qualify as evil, not many actions are inherently good or evil in and of themselves. Sex is useful as an example. For most people, sex is just a pleasant act between two people. So, lets change that. What does your religion have to say about it? Anything? What about two men or two women? Instead of two consenting adults, let’s make it one forcing and the other unwilling, rape. Is it bad? How about an adult and a child? An adult forcing a child? An adult enticing a child? That’s the spectrum from something that we barely think about to something that makes most of us a little angry.

It gets a little blurry when we start trying to apply the idea of evil to society. There are so many perspectives that knowing right and wrong becomes difficult. What one group considers good is a sin to another, like alcohol. Is the manufacture, sale and consumption of alcohol good or evil in itself? Does the type matter? Again, what does your religion tell you? Is evil, defined by religion or can it be defined in another way?

Morality is personal. It is impossible to have collective morality. That is not to say that a group cannot have an aggregate of beliefs and actions that can be classified as good or evil. So, now we have two more categories to contend with, personal and collective morality.

What fun!

It’s easier to just complain about the results.

Why vote? Our political system has crowded out real statesmen and left us with choosing the lesser of two evils. If we just look back at the past fifty years, it’s easy to see how the corruption set in. Strangely, it can be identified by the millionaire politicians, who entered office with little wealth, but managed to earn millions on government salaries. A feat repeated with the new crop as well.

The most controversial members have been the most productive and served the nation the best. Regan was constantly criticized for his age and being out of touch with modern ideas. “Rocket Ronnie”, was supposed to get us involved in World War III and launch nukes at everyone. Trump, for all of his personal faults was a good leader as well. Bill Clinton, comes to mind as another example of performance over personality. Got caught with his pants down and lied about it. Who cares? The Bush’s were simply plodding and boring, not accomplishing much either way. All of the grandstanding and inquiries were excuses for professional politicians to avoid their real work and waste taxes on building strawmen to slay.

I vote. I’m not choosing the best for the job so much as the lesser of evils. Besides, if you don’t vote, you can’t really complain about who is in office. It might be easier to complain after the fact, but it doesn’t change anything.

Daily writing prompt
Do you vote in political elections?

Hindsight sucks!

“No regrets.” Words to live by, especially if you’re making hard decisions. You can spend the rest of your life looking back and saying “If only…” or “I should have…” Why? I refuse to beat myself up over choices I made, that I thought were the best at the time.

You know, don’t shoot that guy in the face, no matter how much they deserve it. Good decision. She’s hot but crazy, I can take a little crazy. Bad decision.

There are a lot of things I regret all the same. I missed a lot of my daughters growing up, personal and career choices made at the time. I would be lying if I said that I could have lived with their mother. We did the best we could and worked out a way to care for them apart. Still, no regrets.

Daily writing prompt
Do you have a quote you live your life by or think of often?

A little too Rennaissance?

Any topic will do, really. I am interested in just about anything, except gossip. Can’t stand it. Little minds that pick apart people and issues that aren’t any of their concern. Line ’em up. I’ll get the guns.

Right now, I’m studying politics, economy, sociology and critical thinking. I’ll rip through a few dozen books, get lost in papers and journals and come out with a pretty solid idea of what I believe and why. I’ve studied just about everything at one time or another.

Playing sports, not watching. I’m down to golf for something I can play. Books, Sci-fi, fantasy, some biography, travel (I’m working on Asia right now), poetry, writing… really, anything. Science and physics.

Try me. Let’s have a discussion.

Daily writing prompt
What topics do you like to discuss?

Not much, but.

New relationships. After nearly six decades of poor decisions and bad relationships I am so afraid I’ll screw up, again. I guess there are mitigating reasons for some of it, but it really comes down to me ignoring warning signs and believing in our better angels. The conflict within me is over the flutter of a new infatuation (love?) and fear of another disaster.

I think the problem is that I’m really oblivious to hints. It doesn’t matter if it’s flirting or passive aggressive behaviors, I don’t pick it up. It’s been a problem.

Daily writing prompt
What makes you nervous?

ADHD and word salad

That’s it. Since I started writing this morning, I’ve thought about my past career, golf, why my brain hates me so much, golf and missing people I used to work with. Word salad. Faster than I can type word salad. Should I call Bella Vista and see if I can get a tee time for tomorrow? Where was I?

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.