Author: All the Right that's left

Back in my head…

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I’ve posted about my journey of recovery and PTSD in the past. In fact, this blog was started for that and to help me my thought out of my head. Honestly, it’s getting pretty crowded in there lately.

I’ve known for a long time that my emotions were mostly shut down, except for the safe ones. “What are safe emotions?”, you probably didn’t ask. Well, anger is safe. Except for the violence it can let out. Maybe on special occasions a flash of amusement, but not much, that can lead to happiness and that’s always risky. If I’m happy something will come along and crush it. Satisfaction is usually okay, if it’s from something that I’ve accomplished. I like the feeling of completion. It just doesn’t last either. I mean what have I done lately?

The only other emotions that I feel regularly and recognize are sadness and love. Nostalgia is in there somewhere, for the lost innocence of childhood and feeling like I was safe. I don’t get envy or hatred; they take too much energy. Appreciation and gratefulness show up and punch me in the gut sometimes, when someone just does something nice. It really is stunning. Loyalty is strong. I may not keep in touch with people as well as I should, but I will drop everything to help a friend.

I feel like the slow kid in class who is trying to color, but all I have are the fat five color crayons that kindergarten kids use and everyone else is using the big 64 color set. You remember the ones, with the cool sharpener in the back. I just don’t understand. I can’t feel the rest. Are there anymore emotions out there? Compassion, empathy, fear? What is contentment like? I don’t trust it. To squishy.

Fear came up recently. It is likely why I’m awake at 3 A.M. writing instead of sleeping. I was talking to a counselor today, trying to describe why my lack of fear was an issue and admitting that I put people in danger because I lack the common sense of pond scum. I got people hurt and killed, put people in bad situations because I was too stupid to be afraid or think about them. I keep reliving incidents, walking into a riot with my partner, just the two of us. No fear, nothing can hurt me. But Stephanie, about half my size, with a daughter at home. Ed following me into an apartment with a shooter inside. Omar trusting me to get him out and holding his hand while he died. What about the kids I trained? Did they try to imitate me and my stupid, reckless behavior?

It feels like I was screaming; “Look at me! I’m too stupid to be afraid! You should be just like me!”

Shit it’s crowded in here.

4 wheels good, 2 wheels better.

~ All the Right that's left ~ 1 Comment

Start with a mid-90s Harley-Davidson Soft tail. Not the most impressive beasty on the road, but it still had that old Harley feel. That deep, rumbling sound you can feel without being beaten up. Great power band and decent speeds, carburetors and Hyper-chargers. Pure mechanical push.

Modern tech, gave us fuel injectors and CAD designs to balance out handling. The 103A, high output was the best of them. Tuning done with a computer, tweaked for long rides. The Beast roared down the road and only frightened parents with cute daughters.

Finally, the era of the Milwaukee 8, 8 valve, computer management, displacement went from 107CI to 131CI. It’s like putting a compact car worth of power on 2 wheels, knocking off a thousand pounds and making it faster. It leaves muscle cars at the light and the over tuned crap doesn’t even start to run. I’ve finished quarter mile sprints and not had time to shift out of 4th gear.

Yep. Motorcycles are my favorite automobiles. Two wheels rule. I’ll reserve the other two for a spare bike.

Daily writing prompt
What is your all time favorite automobile?
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I hate shopping.

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The prompt is my top 5 shopping list. Fine here goes.

Scotch – Speyside by preference. Single malt over blended.

Wine – A decent selection, mixed varieties but not a lot of sweet stuff.

Ammo – The usual selection of 9mm, .45, 5.56 and 12 gauge. There are a couple of specials, but I don’t use them very often.

Half a pig – Gotta have a pig-pickin’.

Coffee – There is no life without coffee.

Daily writing prompt
List your top 5 grocery store items.
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Not so much…

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Truthfully, I expected to be dead by 30, Job and lifestyle were against me making it long. What little planning I did was based on having fun. When I made it past thirty, I started looking at everything a little different. Planning for an imagined future was never my strong suit, so I just winged it.

It’s like falling off of a cliff and wondering what’s at the bottom. Do you get ready to dive into an ocean of swirling doubt or will you smash into the rocks? Is it even a fifty/fifty bet?

So now, I’m retired and trying to figure out what I’m going to do when I grow up. My life isn’t what I expected.

Daily writing prompt
Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?
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The Compound

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It has been a dream, building in my mind for years, to have a compound where I can gather likeminded friends and build a community. Why likeminded? Because home is where you should feel safe, without drama. Please notice that I didn’t mention race, sex, orientation, religious affiliation or anything else that superficial idiots fixate on. I don’t even care about political affiliation, as long as you have reasons for your belief and cand respect others who may disagree with you.

It needs enough space for growth, families and new residents being expected. I want a good sized woods for kids to play in, so they can explore the outdoors safely. Room for households to grow kitchen gardens and have outdoor gatherings. As a special plus would be to have a good shooting range and golf course within the grounds. Fine. Okay. I’ll add a Pickle Ball court for you nut jobs that have joined the cult, we can put it in by the gym/dojo. Happy now?

There are some requirements for residence. You must have served our nation. Not just military veterans. Police, medics, teachers, anyone who has dedicated their lives to protecting and preserving our nation. You must be willing to own and train with weapons to protect yourself and your neighbors. If you aren’t willing to defend your home and generous enough to defend your neighbors, you probably won’t fit in.

When I first envisioned my compound, it had a fully developed defensive grid with bunkers and such. Then I had an image of Wacko, TX and worried that it would result in a raid and the death of many federal agents who were only following orders. (BTW, yes, I misspelt Waco on purpose.) Just being able to defend yourself should be enough.

Now. I’ll just settle for a little place somewhere warm. The golf course just down the road and access to a range to keep up the skills. If I can’t find some good people there, the pub down the street. I’m sure there is someone to drink scotch with.

Daily writing prompt
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
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Work

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I wasted nearly fifty years doing random things for little good reason. I didn’t enjoy them, mostly. There were some highlights, just not worth the cost. Jumping out of airplanes was fun but did we need to take six hours to do it? Shooting? There was more waiting and not enough ammo. Travel was great except for the restless natives.

Being retired is less exciting and boring. I guess I need to go find a job to keep me occupied.

Daily writing prompt
What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?
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No shit, there I was…

~ All the Right that's left ~ 3 Comments

If you don’t know, that’s the difference between a fairytale and a war story. Which is where most of my encounters took place, in the military. I was assigned to personal security details, so there were a lot of senators, Ministers of Extremely Useless Stuff and Military Brass from around the world. What fun? Dealing with high power schmucks leads to meeting reporters and escorting them around through bad places and saying don’t do that, a lot.

There was a mission where we gave a final ride to ten of the HVTs in Iraq. It wasn’t very thrilling but it drove home what the cost of war could be. That was the last time those men saw anything besides the inside of a prison. Just a block of cells, a mosque and a green house.

Then, there is Philly. Just hanging out in a bar, there is a high chance that you will run into a professional athlete. I played shuffleboard and drank all night with a linebacker and didn’t know he was famous. Ump (Umpire for MLB) worked at Chickies on the boulevard. In 2018 the Eagles won the Super Bowl, and it was all hands on deck for the parade. Try not to arrest a “somebody” during the Mummers Parade. At the Airport, I remember meeting Meg Ryan (pretty) and Hulk Hogan (big) a few more were, “wow that was cool. Who were they?”

My vote for the coolest, Jakub Voracek. During the Mostly Peaceful Protests (RIOTS!) in Philly, this guy walks up to a group of us. In a thick Cech accent starts thanking us and shaking hands. Nice kid, I thought he would be cool to have a few drinks with, just hang out. He took some pictures and waved. Voracek for the win!

Daily writing prompt
Who is the most famous or infamous person you have ever met?
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Experience can cost a lot.

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The most expensive thing I’ve ever paid for is experience. There are some fairly large price tags on travel. Even adventure travelling can cost a lot because of unexpected events. Learning life lessons tend to add up. Learning my dating rules cost me three houses and some encounters with angry people that don’t need to be rehashed today.

Purchases only cost money. Experience can cost a lot more and have surprising repercussions. It’s too bad that we can preview what we learn from our decisions before we make them. Since we can’t, I’ll continue to leap in with both feet and wallow in the experience and damn the costs.