Like a good movie.

A good movie isn’t the one you talk about right after you watched it, a great movie is the one you talk about years later. I want people to have stories about me after I’m gone. When I retired from the Army, I kept in touch with guys I served with and found out they were still telling Sgt Monahan stories. The kind that people would use as examples of how hard or weird things were. The “No shit, there I was”, version of fairy tales. Same thing when I left the police department, with a little more “he was crazy”. My daughters have grown up being embarrassed by me in public. I admit that I enjoy telling those more than they do.

I just want to leave good stories behind, memorable for years after I’m gone.

Daily writing prompt
What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

I don’t.

I’m retired. I don’t have to balance anything except golf and housework. Of course, even when I was working, I didn’t balance things very well. Being self-absorbed, narcissistic, asshole doesn’t help.

Free advice: You will never miss the time you didn’t spend at work.

Daily writing prompt
How do you balance work and home life?

Do scars count?

I have old clothes, some dating back decades. A US Army OD green over coat from the end of WW II. My riding leathers are at least 20, tattoos date back nearly 40 years, and uniforms at least as old as my ink. To my daughters’ dismay, I still have shirts that I wear they remember from their childhood.

It’s the scars that tell the tail. The big one in my calf comes from basic training and doing dumb shit with the other guys and earning a trip to the hospital. We hid the knives after that. Three more from Iraq, four if you count the ones from my body armor wearing holes in my sides. One my elbow. More around my eyes from fighting for years. And the oldest, in the middle of my forehead that is probably fifty-five by now, from playing with my brothers. There are dozens more that have faded away, from work or play.

Yep. It’s gotta be my scars.

Daily writing prompt
What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

I did a brave thing today.

I was sad today. It seems like a simple statement to write but is profound in the description of what I experienced.

You see, I have had PTSD for close to fifty years. You learn to cope. One of the tricks is to shut down your emotions, more like ignore them. Since I retired a couple years ago, I’ve started healing. Last summer, I was stunned when I realized that I was happy. For no reason I was smiling and just happy. The really stunning part was it took a while for me to realize what I was feeling. Is it true that people feel like this all the time? Are there other visceral emotions? How will I know?

I found out today. I realized that I was sad. I started crying and it washed over me in shaking waves and I started to push it back where it belongs, deep down. Instead, I stopped and let it come. I let myself feel sad. It wasn’t a cathartic purge of all bad feelings or jagged out of control, snot bubble weeping. It was pure and soft, the things I couldn’t afford to be in the Army or Police Department. It’s too vulnerable.

I guess this is following a pattern I set up, like a 12 step program for PTSD. When it happens, tell others. It’s okay to feel, good and bad feelings. Stop being afraid of being hurt by what is inside. We were so brave for so long, carrying burdens, risks, loss and fear. Always fear. For me it was losing my people, not being able to protect someone. More terrifying were the emotions I kept as far down as possible. I never thought I was brave or a hero.

Today, I was brave.

Even leaders have leaders.

With almost forty years of military and para-military leadership (read Police) under my belt, I can say even leaders have leaders. In the moment, you may be the final authority and make decisions, but there is always someone you will answer to.

I hear someone saying Elon Musk doesn’t have a boss, but he’s still responsible to shareholders, laws and regulations. Somewhere in the back of his head is a voice that shaped him as he was growing up, still leading him. I have the same thing, it sounds remarkably like my grandfather. I also have a debit to my mentors, to pass on what I’ve learned.

In the main though, I’m a leader by default, inclination or disposition. I have little reservation about stepping up.

Daily writing prompt
Are you a leader or a follower?

I call it “low-brow” snob.

Harley-Davidson – This goes back to my first bike that leaked, the chain and rear tire would slip going over track and it was uncomfortable to ride. They fixed the technology, and I found a bike that fits me. I like sport bikes and Kawasaki makes a decent lite cruiser, but Harley just fits.

BMW – I know. It’s not made in Germany anymore. I prefer the way they handle to other sport cars. I don’t care about cars that much, but I appreciate performance. I’ll drive a truck until it dies, but this is the only car I’ve ever kept after paying it off.

Macallan – If you’re a whiskey drinker and haven’t tried a good scotch, this is the one. Don’t bother with the 12-year-old. It’s going to be rough. The 18 is good straight, with a water back. I don’t like ice or to water down the flavor. Any of the special casks are excellent. Just don’t blame me if you spend a car payment on a bottle.

Glock and Ruger – Nothing fancy or flashy. They work when I want them to, point and shoot.

Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite brands and why?

Morality (4) Evil.

Seems like an easy one. Evil is evil, right? Wait, was that circular? Damn.

If we define it as a noun, instead of an adjective or adverb, it will make it easier. Is it suffering, misfortune or intentional wrongdoing? Does it count if your feelings are hurt because you interpreted what I was doing as mean? Suffering is definitively subjective and personal. I have a harder time suffering fools than broken bones. Misfortune is part of most lives, so also not important to the discussion. Your feelings are on you, not me. Baring a cosmic entity of evil, “the Devil”, we are left with intentional wrongdoing to cause harm.

Dictionaries have changed the definition over the years, but the base stays the same. Strangely, it also gets more complex over the years. our web of concern expands.

evil (noun) moral depravity; injury; affliction. (Webster Peerless Office, Home and School. 1939)

evil (noun) · evils (plural noun) (Bing online Dictionary, reference to Oxford Languages, 2024)

(1) profound immorality and wickedness, especially when regarded as a supernatural force.

Similar: wickedness, a badness, wrongdoing, sinful, ungodliness, immorality, vice, inequity, turpitude, degeneracy, vileness, baseness, perversion, corruption, depravity, villainy, nefariousness, atrocity, malevolence, devilishness, peccability. Opposite: goodness

(2) a manifestation of profound immorality and wickedness, especially in people’s actions.

Similar: abomination, atrocity, obscenity, outrage Opposite: blessing

(3) something which is harmful or undesirable.

Similar: harm, pain, hurt, misery, sorrow, suffering Opposite: benefits

I think we need to emphasize the intentional part of this. An act done with the intent of providing good service or positive outcomes, that doesn’t meet expectations is not necessarily evil. An evil act is like a premeditated crime, it is carried out with forethought and intent. There isn’t much doubt that the act is wrong and evil as a label just indicates a level of wrongdoing beyond normal expectations, heinous in nature. I like the word heinous, here. It fits well and sets edges to the discussion.

Not everything is going to qualify as evil, not many actions are inherently good or evil in and of themselves. Sex is useful as an example. For most people, sex is just a pleasant act between two people. So, lets change that. What does your religion have to say about it? Anything? What about two men or two women? Instead of two consenting adults, let’s make it one forcing and the other unwilling, rape. Is it bad? How about an adult and a child? An adult forcing a child? An adult enticing a child? That’s the spectrum from something that we barely think about to something that makes most of us a little angry.

It gets a little blurry when we start trying to apply the idea of evil to society. There are so many perspectives that knowing right and wrong becomes difficult. What one group considers good is a sin to another, like alcohol. Is the manufacture, sale and consumption of alcohol good or evil in itself? Does the type matter? Again, what does your religion tell you? Is evil, defined by religion or can it be defined in another way?

Morality is personal. It is impossible to have collective morality. That is not to say that a group cannot have an aggregate of beliefs and actions that can be classified as good or evil. So, now we have two more categories to contend with, personal and collective morality.

What fun!