I’ve been doing a lot of growing up lately. Maybe for my generation, we would call it healing or working on myself, but it’s really just growing up. That’s the part that always struck me as silly, naming something normal, like it’s really special. When we’re kids, its physical and learning to interact with peers, who we are or are going to be. As adults, it’s looking back at the mess we made of our lives and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Short version. Rough childhood. Who didn’t have one, right? Army career, 2 kids, 3 divorces, 2nd career as a cop and now what? Bad memories, bad decisions that hurt my children, injuries that I ignored and now I’m paying for, emotionally unavailable and pretending everything is OK.

Until I wasn’t.

Without the distraction of work and excuses for why I was acting the way I was, I had to face my life. I had to grow up some more. I’ve started really trying to be a Dad, pretty late but I’m trying. I’m in a serious relationship and she’s having a hard time believing some of what she’s seeing. I wish I had paid more attention to everyone who tried to warn me about regrets and spending time on the important things. I’m dealing with the PTSD, learning what emotions are and trying to understand them. A few rules on social interaction are helping with the rough edges. Who knows, maybe someday I will be OK.